Mr Man
by OnlineFisher
Summary: Rimmer drank something and now he’s acting very strange. Part 2 Listers Drinks the liquid do they ever learn? Dialogue - Chapters 3 & 4 added...The weird just keep on getting weirder.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Mr. Man  
  
Author: Snacky  
  
Email: snknjak@yahoo.com  
  
Disclaimer: don't own red dwarf or any of it characters, made for personal enjoyment only.  
  
Summary: Rimmer drank something and now he's acting very strange. Dialogue   
  
"Oooooo"  
  
"You ok Rimmer?"  
  
"Yep indeedy"  
  
"Ok..."   
  
"Oooooo"  
  
"Rimmer?"  
  
"Yesh?"  
  
"Have you been drinking?"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
"Ok..."  
  
"Oooooo"  
  
"Ok, what are you on"?  
  
Looks down "The floor, well shoes if they count... do they count?"  
  
"Err yea... listen, have you drank anything?  
  
"If I hadn't I would of died a long, long time ago Listy, Listy" Trying to illustrate his point by waving his arms.  
  
"Today?"  
  
"21st?"  
  
"Right... listen very closely ok?"  
  
Very serious face "O...K"  
  
"Did you drink anything today?"  
  
"Yeshers"  
  
"What?"  
  
"A bottle O' orange" Grins  
  
"Nothing else?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Hmmn strange..."  
  
"Oh an that bottle of whatever it was from that planet"  
  
"Oh god"  
  
"Listy?"  
  
Sigh "what?"  
  
"You have long hair"  
  
"I know"  
  
"Really? Can I touch it?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Awww"  
  
"Listy!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You have long hair"  
  
"Let me guess you want to touch it?"  
  
"Wow, you must be psychic, I'm mean like read my mind an all that...Can I?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Awww" collapses onto floor "Opps, No chair!"  
  
"I noticed...So Rimmer now that your, lets say drunk, what do you really think of me?"  
  
"You're fat"  
  
"What!"  
  
"Not fat, fat...Fat like a little hamster fat"  
  
"So I'm a hamster?"  
  
"Yer, one of those ones that's smelly and diseased that no-one wants to buy"  
  
"Great...want to know what I think of you?"  
  
"I know what you think of me"  
  
"Go on then, what do I think?"  
  
"I'm a sexy beast god!"  
  
"...."  
  
"Wow!"  
  
"What? Hey were you going?... Rimmer stay put you shouldn't be running in your condition!" (A/N I just couldn't resist!)  
  
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee...Opff!...Opps, wall there!"  
  
"Yes, wall"  
  
"They're hard"  
  
"I know"  
  
"You know allot"  
  
"I know"  
  
"See!"  
  
Sigh*  
  
"My ears are too small!"  
  
"Too small?"  
  
Starts to cry "why haven't I got big ears" Looks to Lister expectantly  
  
"Rimmer you have very big ears"  
  
"You're just saying that"  
  
"No, no I mean it there abnormally large"  
  
"Yay! Want to sing?"  
  
"God no!"  
  
"Ring a ring a roesy, pocket full o' poesy... Come on sing along!"  
  
"Rimmer I'll give you anything if you'll stop"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really!"  
  
"I want your hat!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Ringer ringer rosey..."  
  
"Fine!" Gives him the hat, which he immediately puts on  
  
"I. Am. Lister. Hear. Me. Roar!"  
  
"I think we should go to the medi bay"  
  
"I don't like it in there Listy, it's scary"  
  
"No it's not, its very clean... What could be scary about that?"  
  
"It's where Mr. Shoe lives!"  
  
"Mr. Shoe?"  
  
"He kicks me"  
  
"I'll protect you from him... am I insane?!"  
  
"You will?"  
  
"Yes I'll kick his..."  
  
"Shoe behind?"  
  
"Err yes"  
  
"Hurray! *Sings* Mr. shoe, you beware, I got Listys underwear, Look to the right, look to the left, If you don't watch out he'll kick your behind!" Runs towards medi bay  
  
"Rimmer, as soon as you are back to normal I'm so going to shoot you!"  
  
Rimmer stops half run and runs back to Lister  
  
"We have to hold hands!"  
  
"No, We don't"  
  
"But if we don't the lemmings will get me"  
  
"What lemmings?"  
  
"The one's that live in the floor!"  
  
"Fine, Fine come on" Grabs hand  
  
"Yippy, Don't you think they're cute?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The lemmings?"  
  
"Oh yer, they're adorable"  
  
"Apart from them big teeth though, right?"  
  
"Oh yes apart from that...Hol?"  
  
Holly turns up on one of the many monitors "Yes Dave?"  
  
"Would you tell Kryten to come to the medi bay?"  
  
"Ok Dave"  
  
Rimmer starts to tug on Lister's hand "Hurry"  
  
"Why"  
  
"Krytens going to the medi bay!"  
  
"I know, I just told him to go"  
  
"But Mr. shoe and lemming man will eat him if we don't hurry"  
  
"He'll be fine, I swear...It's you, you should be worrying about"  
  
"Why, You will protect me"  
  
Mutters "from my fist?"  
  
"Ooo Ooo... I can see it, you were right, Kryten can take care of himself, who'd a thought?"  
  
"Hey Kryt's, Rimmer drank some of that stuff we go from the last planet we were on, fix him, Please!"  
  
"Don't worry sir, I think it should wear off in a few hours"  
  
"A few hours, I don't think so, do something now!"  
  
"I could give him a sedative that should knock him out for a few hours"  
  
By this time Rimmer was trying to out stare something on the floor  
  
"Rimmer?"  
  
Not looking up "what?"  
  
"We know how to make you better"  
  
Finally looking up "Something's wrong with me?... Am I going to die!!"  
  
"No, your fine I just need you to sit on this bed for me, and drink this, can you do that?"  
  
"Yep" sits and takes the drink from Lister  
  
"Now drink that and you will go to sleep"  
  
"Will you stay to make sure the lemming man doesn't eat me?"  
  
"Of course"  
  
He drank it and immediately collapsed onto the bed  
  
"Thank god, do you have any of that virus which removes all your hair, left?"  
  
"I think so sir, why?"  
  
"Just wondering if I could make his ears look bigger, he'll thank me later..." 


	2. Stuff? what stuff?

Title: Dancing Hamster  
  
Author: Snacky  
  
Email: onlinefishin@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: don't own red dwarf or any of it characters, made for personal enjoyment only.  
  
Summary: Sequel to Mr. Man. Lister is acting very strangely.  
  
"Lister? What are you doing?"  
  
"Dancin'"  
  
"I didn't know you could dance"  
  
"I can't"  
  
"Then what are you doing?"  
  
"Pee dance"  
  
"Oh" rolls eyes "Right"  
  
"Blue Midget is loaded!"  
  
"Lister?"  
  
"The bomb is about to go off!!!"  
  
"You didn't drink any of that stuff did you?"  
  
"Stuff? We have stuff?"  
  
"Yea... we got it from that planet a while back... I ended up drinking some... ring any bells?... Are you even listening to me?"  
  
"Err... what?"  
  
"Did you drink any of that stuff that makes you loopy?"  
  
"Um stuff?"  
  
"Lister!!! Stop staring at your feet and look at me!"  
  
"Oh, sorry, what?"  
  
"The stuff?"  
  
"Oh yea that, I drank that, actually I wish I had the urine recyc...It was disgustin"  
  
"So do I... Lister? What you doing?"  
  
"HUG!!!"  
  
"NO! Bugger off!" Starts to run as Lister chases him round a table.  
  
"Aw come on Rimmer just a little one?"  
  
"NO! Not even a little one!"  
  
"Not even?"  
  
"No! Not even!"  
  
"Aw" Pauses "How about a big one?" Resumes chasing poor Rimmer.  
  
"You are not putting those grubby curry covered hands anywhere near me!"  
  
"I'll clean em?"  
  
"NO! Why they hell are you not worn out yet?!"  
  
"Dunno..." Rimmer trips.  
  
Leaning over Rimmer " Hug?"  
  
"Try it and you'll find my foot in your groin!"  
  
"No Hug?"  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
"Ok I'll hug the table...," Which he does in a pathetic attempt to get Rimmer jealous.  
  
Rolls Eyes again (he's getting very good at it) "I wasn't this bad when I drank it was I?"  
  
"Yep... you called me a hamster, You think I'm cute" Grins  
  
*Choke* "What?!"  
  
"Well, you never said it... but hamsters are cute, right?"  
  
"I don't like hamsters"  
  
"You don't?"  
  
"No"  
  
"You don't like me?"  
  
"No"  
  
"No?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Oh well, what do you think?" Sticks his hand in Rimmer's face.  
  
"About your hand?"  
  
"Yep! It's perdy isn't it?"  
  
"I wouldn't call it that"  
  
"Well I think it's perdy!... AHHH!!!" Grabs hold of Rimmer's hand.  
  
"What!! Oi, Get off me you goit!!!"  
  
"Help!!!"  
  
"Get Off!!!"  
  
"No the hamster People want to take me to their under ground layer!!!"  
  
"No they don't! Now Get! Off!"  
  
"But, They want to sacrifice me to Mr. Butter"  
  
"Don't be stupid... Now if you would just..."  
  
"NO! You can't let me go they won't take me coz they're scared of you!"  
  
"My god! I'm going to have do wash for weeks... Why are they scared of me?"  
  
"Coz you're the evil Mr. Toast that will spread Mr. Butter and destroy them all!"  
  
"Oh... Right... It's just keeps getting better and better"  
  
"You have to scare them away!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Point and say I can't believe it's not Mr. Butter!"  
  
"Oh come on"  
  
"You have to; they're going to take me away"  
  
"Then I'm not losing anything then..."  
  
"Quick!!!"  
  
"No! Just let! Me! Go!"  
  
"They're Coming Closer!!!!"  
  
"OW! Let! Go!"  
  
"AHHHH!"  
  
"HEY! I said no hugging!!!"  
  
"Help!"  
  
"I couldn't have been this bad?... Fine! What do I do?"  
  
"Point and say 'I can't believe it's not Mr Butter!'"  
  
*Dead Pan* "I can't believe it's not Mr. Butter"  
  
"They don't believe you! Do it better!"  
  
Enthusiastically "I can't believe it's not Mr. Butter!"  
  
"Yay! They ran away!"  
  
"Thank God now let go!"  
  
"Ok... do you think they will be back?"  
  
"I hope not..."  
  
"They won't come back; you scared em pretty good"  
  
"Good"  
  
"One of em nearly had a fit"  
  
"Oh"  
  
"Oh wow look!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Look!"  
  
"All I can see is you stroking the floor"  
  
"No, Look!"  
  
"Just tell me will you!"  
  
"It's a caterpillar"  
  
"A what?"  
  
"A caterpillar... I've never seen one of these before"  
  
"Then how do you know what it is?"  
  
"They were on a discovery programme once"  
  
"You mean you were watching something besides sports, Lister, I'm impressed"  
  
"Thanks"  
  
"I was being sarcastic"  
  
"You were? You're not very good at it"  
  
"Git"  
  
"Hey! No swearin' in front of the caterpillar! Have sensitive ears you know"  
  
"Oh does it... and what happens if I do this?"  
  
"No! Don't stand on her, she may be the last one in existence!"  
  
"Oh"  
  
"The discovery lady said they were extinct in the twenty second century... guess she was wrong ey?"  
  
"Yea... Lister?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"How did you get me back to normal?"  
  
"Kryten said it wears off"  
  
"Good, how long?"  
  
"Um a few hours I think"  
  
"Hours?!"  
  
"That's what I said"  
  
*Sigh*  
  
"Catty said are you ok?"  
  
"Catty?"  
  
"The caterpillar"  
  
"Caterpillars talk?"  
  
"Yea, you didn't know that?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Yea well they do and she said are you ok?"  
  
"Tell it I'm just dandy"  
  
"She heard you"  
  
"Ok, Lister?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Follow me!"  
  
"Can catty come?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Come on catty, where are we going?"  
  
"We're going to find Kryten"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So I can get rid of you"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you're annoying"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You drank the green stuff"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why the hell should I know, you drank the damn stuff"  
  
"...Why?"  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because if you don't I'll take you to the nearest air lock and shove you out!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Shut up!!"  
  
"Why?... Hey Kryten!"  
  
"Hello Sirs"  
  
"Kryten I don't care what you have to do, gag him, bind him, just shut him up!"  
  
"That won't be necessary Sir, Holly informed me of Mr. Lister's condition, he just needs a sedative... he should be fine by the time he regains consciousness"  
  
"Good, I'll leave him with you then"  
  
"Rimmer?"  
  
"Yes Lister?"  
  
"Thanks for saving my life!"  
  
"...Right"  
  
"Bye!"  
  
"Come along Mr. David Sir"  
  
As Lister skipped away with Kryten towards the medical bay Rimmer just shuck his head and walked off.  
  
Parody... My one true love...  
  
Hope you enjoyed the sequel, I know I did :D  
  
Now feedback away! (Away? err, me? Erm...Oh the to hell with it! Just feedback!) 


	3. Mrs Lambert Stole My Underwear

"Lister! Where did you put my...." … "What on titan is that mangy cat doing now?!"

"Rubbing lotion on himself"

"Yes, I can see that. But why?"

"Said he's got a harem of lady cat's swinging by his pad later so he's getting prepared"

"We're in the middle of deep space, where is he expecting these lady cat's to come from?"

"Apparently they already swung by earlier to bring him the lotion and told him to be ready by six"

"And you didn't think this was the least bit strange?

"Of course that's why I sat down to watch... Popcorn?"

"Yeeeeeoooooooowwwwwww"

"I think he might have drank that green stuff"

"What! I thought you threw that away!

"Ah... well... the thing about that..."

"You didn't!"

"Well it's not like you did either!"

"It was your job"

"Oh yes, fair Rimmer. You say do and I jump to it, when has that ever worked?"

"Fine, I'll throw it out, where is it anyway?"

"How should I know, The cat probably drank the last of it."

"We had two crates of the stuff! You and I only drank a bottle each, there is no possible way the cat could have drank the rest of it!

"WELL I DO BELIVE I'M SHIRLEY!"

"Oh no, Kryten too?!"

"Ah, yes I forgot he came in a few minutes ago looking for a dip tray, he's got the Duke of Wellington, Mrs Lambert and the bamboo of naverone round for a poker game in the officers deck"

"But that stuff shouldn't even effect androids"

Lister shrugs

"Lister..."

"What?"

Rimmer Leaves shaking his head

"Mister Lister where is Mr Rimmer going?"

"Oh, he's got a prior engagement with a white rabbit"

"Well he better hurry I saw that rabbit shoot down a hole in the engine bay"

"Don't worry Kryte's I'm sure He'll find him, So who's wining?"

"Well Mrs Lambert took the lead, then Mr. Wellington, then I managed to scrape my way to first until finally Mrs Lambert waved a white flag and we all had to give her our underwear"

"And bamboo?"

"Out of the running hours ago"

"Yeeeeoooooooowwww"

"How's Mr Cat doing with his slip and slide wrestle arena?"

"Looks about done, I just can't wait for the girls to get here"

"Yeeeeeooooowww! Welcome ladies! The stage is set, I'm oiled to purr-fection now let's see which one of you lovely ladies has what it takes to catch me"

"All right! Looks like the shows about to begin" "Whoop!" "Take a seat Kryte's"

"I can't stay Sir the Duke is about to do his infamous magic trick involving a carrot, a tiny wooden elephant and a plastic fork...and I've still got time to win back my underwear"

"Suit yourself, Whoo Look at those ladies slide!"

Kryten Exits and bumps into Rimmer on his way out.

"Watch where you're going Machiniac"

"Sorry Sir, I have some underwear to win back"

"What ever, just move. Lister I think you planned all this"

"Me? Whoo Take off your tops!"

"Yeeeeooooooowwww"

"You said it cat!"

"Lister!"

"Oh lighten up Rimmer! It's been Months and nothing interesting has happened besides who can say no to slippery females?...Drink?"

"So you didn't throw it away! I knew it!"

"Relax, That's it cat! Lick em clean!"

"That's disgusting"

"No what's disgusting it those hamsters down on D deck going at it like hippos"

"When did I hit my head and wake up in a mental asylum"

"Oh don't be such a stick in the mud"

"Hey monkey's stop arguing! You're killing the atmosphere!"

"Oh, just give me that stuff Lister at least then I'll be able to understand some of this"

"Great! You won't regret it!"

"I'm sure I will"


	4. Polly want a cracker

"Hey listy, Why is the cat walking on the ceiling?"

"You're looking at him upside down"

"Oh... Why am I on the ceiling?"

"You said the floor was made of quick sand and insisted we all stick you to the roof, Don't you remember?"

"Oh yes, you were trying to push me under and the cat was telling you to hurry up because he needed at least one human filled with sand to show off to his new parrot"

"Polly isn't a parrot"

"Then why did she keep repeating everything he kept saying?"

"That was kryten, he stopped when I gave him a cracker"

"Then what happened to all the sand?"

"Hey monkey why is grand canyon nostrils stuck to the ceiling?"

"Am I the only one who remembers what happened around here?"

"You know the sight of your ugly body is making me sick"

"Cheers cat"

"Actually Lister for once I agree with the cat"

"What! I can't agree with some one with hair like that! Lister you look hanso... gorg... beau... Damn! You're so ugly I think I'm going to be sick"

"Hey cat! Where're you going?... Cat!" "What's was his problem?"

"At least that mangy moggie can leave, I'm the one stuck here with you"

"Mr Lister Sir, Mrs Lambert and I... Mr Lister! Oh I do apologise Maam I don't know what has gotten into him... Now look what you've done you've offended Mrs Lambert and I've only just made amends after that unfortunate cracker incident"

"What?!"

"You know I'm still big enough to put you across my knee and give you a good spanking"

"What!?" "Stop laughing smeg head!"

"Snort!"

"That's it Mr Lister, I've warned you before about mooning our guests and do you listen! No, you do not. You are to go without fresh laundry for a month, no more grated onion in your cornflakes and don't think I'm ever going to cut your toe nails for you again!"

"What the smeg is going on?"

"I'm really disappointed in you david"

"Keep out of this you smegger"

"Mr Lister I don't know what kind of weird sexual games you and Mr Rimmer are playing but I ensure you if Mrs Lambert blasts herself out of the air lock you shall never eat curry again!"

"What! You can't take my curry!"

"Good day Sir"

"Kryten!... Smeg!" "Wait... What sexual games?"

"Well you did tie me up"

"Grr, Shut up you"

"Yeeeeooow, hey dog breath why are you still naked?"

"I'm not naked, go away cat"

"I can't find polly"

"Maybe she ran away"

"And leave this gorgeous body? You must be even crazier than I thought"

"That's nothing I've seen him trying to lick his elbow"

"No wonder the cat people took over your race"

"They didn't, you were born from my pet cat"

"Sure monkey whatever you say, now where have you hidden Polly"

"He was trying to show her his small dangly bits and she threw herself out the air lock in sheer desperation"

"You did what! Dog attack!"

"Ahh Get off me, I didn't do nothin' Rimmer's pulling ya leg"

"Don't be and idiot, he's stuck to the ceiling"

"He's right Listy, I am stuck to the ceiling"

"Stay out of this you smeggar"

"Now I know why you're naked dirt ball"

"I'm not naked"

"You look pretty naked to me Lister"

"Well if I'm so naked, why are you trying to catch me!"

"You two are disgusting"

"I was talking to you cat, Rimmer's stuck to the ceiling how could he possibly catch me"

"What you two do in your spare time I don't want to know, now you've warped the mind of my Polly and you must die"

"Wait, I remember now she said she was waiting for you on z deck, yea that was it, she told me to tell you to bring your best back scratcher"

"Wow, I got a hot date, I'll see you two love birds later"

"I told you it was a bad Idea to give him the green stuff but did you listen"

"Stop talking Rimmer if you want to keep certain parts of your anatomy"

"You really are kinky aren't you Listy"

"I'm never ever touching that stuff ever again, I'm blowing it out the air lock and we are never, ever going to talk about this ever again"

"One last thing though Lister... Could you please put some clothes on."

"I am not naked!"


End file.
